Proofreading exercise 10 with feedback

 

Proofreading exercise 10 with feedback
Proofreading exercise 10 with feedback

Proofreading exercise 10 with feedback. This short story is about a dream you desire to pursue. The detailed feedback is written at the end of the article. 

Before editing the story:


Everybody has a dream. Even they wish many things to come to their life. I am no exception. I had 3 things that I wanted to do or it would become true. It was getting passion, being confident, and having trust.

The first thing that would be shown is passion. In the past, I was an introverted person. I did not find out the direction that I want to follow. I did not know who I am, what I do and what is my purpose. It was a beam that weighed on my shoulder. Even though I had a dream; many people supported me. I wondered that I was an empty barrel.  It was a deadlock period with me. I was starting to find a way out of this deadlock via reading the book, meeting others, and learning from my problem which I got. For instance: English is my hard way , which I continue. I have been learning English for a long time when I graduated from university. Language was my barrier; I made many mistakes. Luckily, I met some people who gave me advice and suggestions, it helped me continue on my way. The dream is many bricks that scatter on the ground; my mission is to collect and build my passion by paying attention, giving energy, and doing it. 

The second thing is confidence. I was not confident. Because, I was like a small lady who my parents took care of carefully; they prevented me from the dangerous things and bad people. Because of loving. That is a reason that I compared and isolated myself from other people. I felt ashamed when I stood the front crowd.  This situation worsened when I got a job. I got many bad things because of not being confident. I realized that it would be a big drawback if I did not change and I had to do it contrarily . I looked for solutions like hanging out and taking part in many clubs. Moreover, I volunteered to attend charity organizations. Meeting many kinds of people will help me to get several experiences; I choose a deliberate way before I do. 

The third thing is trust. trust is not easy to come between two people. It comes from within ourselves and then all people will trust each other. I was not confident . That is why all people did not trust me. Besides, I have shown negative things like nervousness, shame… everything came to me when I got passion, confidence… I am the better version than before.

In conclusion,  I completely think that I got two in  3 things that I wanted to become true. I hope that I will complete the last thing at the end of this year. I am subduing it.


After editing the story:


  “The Dream You wish Came True.”

Everybody has a dream; they wish many things came into their life. I am no exception. I had three things that I wanted to do, and I wish they had come true. People had passion, confidence, and trust.

The first thing that would be shown was passion. In the past, I was an introverted person. I did not find out the direction that I wanted to follow. I did not know who I was, what I did, and what my purpose was. It was a beam that weighed on my shoulder.

Moreover, I had a dreammany people supported me. I wondered if I was an empty barrel. It was a deadlock period to me. However, I was starting to find a way out of this deadlock via reading the book, meeting others, and learning from my problem, which I got. For instance, I continued to follow English the hard way. I had been learning English for a long time when I graduated from university. The language was my barrier; I made many mistakes. Luckily, I met some people who gave me advice and suggestions; they helped me continue my way. The dream had many bricks scattered on the ground; my mission was to collect and build my passion by paying attention, giving energy, and doing it. 

The second thing was confidence. I was not confident because I was like a petite lady whose parents cared for me carefully; they prevented me from the dangerous things and evil people because of love. That was a reason that I compared and isolated myself from other people. I felt ashamed when I stood in front of the crowd. This situation worsened when I got a job. I got many bad things because of not being confident. I realized it would be a big drawback if I did not change and had to do it contrarily. I looked for solutions like hanging out and taking part in many clubs. Furthermore, I volunteered to attend charity organizations. Meeting many kinds of people would help me get several experiences; I chose a deliberate way before making my decisions. 

The third thing was trust. It was not easy to get to know people who were new to me. It came within ourselves. Then all people would trust each other. I was not confident. That was why all people did not trust me. Besides, I have shown negative things like nervousness and shame. Everything came to me when I got passion and confidence. I am now a better version than before.

In conclusion, I ultimately thought I got two out of three things I wanted to become true. I hope to complete the last thing at the end of this year. I am subduing it.

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feedback:


‘They’ can be used for objects/people 

The pencils are on the table. They look nice.

 People are in the street. They are fighting.

Coming between means to make trouble would let the two people get divorced or separated.

We can use some discourse markers, not just one, moreover, furthermore, etc



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